SOMETIMES, I dream about the most better thing that could happen in my life. Everything I wish could be happen or everything I miss, or for more exact, everyone I miss. Is that crazy to say, that someone who had gone is actually never really go because they live in my dreams? not everyday and every dreams, but they do. And it's crazy to say that I could feel their existence real, almost like it wasn't a dream. Almost like this now, is a dream. and sometimes, almost like they never go in the first place, and I just dream about people in my house that I will see them when I'm awake.
because I was never a lucid dreamer
I didn't know it wasn't real when I'm in it. and when I'm awake all I could think of is how much I wanted to stay because that would be a very beautiful chance. The probability to hear and see. The idea of always being together. Other days, same dreams. It's been three or more days in a row that my dreams taken at real places, real houses and rooms. The faces I've wanting to see and faces that actually exist, new scheme, different interesting scenarios. They didn't appear random and plot jumping, but surprisingly ordinary they kick the question mark out of my mind. Even if I was feeling a lot more groggy than necessary every time I woke up, I'm feeling happy more than ever.
About real and unreal and the in-between. What if there is someone who told you they wanted a distance, apparently seven hours train trip wasn't an enough distance. Apparently want both physics and mentally. We can elaborate that people in dreams are much more better. They didn't ask for distances at least.
but they didn't real the truth whispered.
and she doesn't know

Creepy Santa!

They mostly look.. angry?

the opposite from me though, because now I have this happy expression on me. you can take that christmas. mine. went pretty well. Though it isn't as good as when everyone was here and I, somehow, still can't feel content enough, it's one of the better night regardless. I have these line of sentences in my head but couldn't really words them out. Can I just hug my laptop and we pretend that everythings are all said?

Merry Christmas people.


1. christmas is coming soon but my days still drenched in white and plain scenes
2. paper isn't suck (the huge white space to fill is)
3. out of words


The sedate version of one of my least favorite christmas song erlend oye had me change my preference though


THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER SAID. I don't know what happened to me, but I feel really uncomfortable to say nice things to anyone nowadays. It's not like I'm that nice in the past but I think it isn't as worst. I keep blurt out things I didn't mean to say or words weren't supposed to use. The weird part is rather than feeling sorry I just hope they could get what I mean behind what I didn't mean. I kept thinking 'well they would understand' or 'they will, I know they will' but world didn't work like that. I know just how much I hurt people feeling (ok now I'm feeling sorry)
but I think it's better to say something rude and honest rather than honey coating your words, emphasizing compliments or faking an interest to attract someone or just simply to be nice.
Sweet and affectionate talk kind of freaks me out. I can't bring myself to say something so fondly or comforting. but hey I've never demand someone to say sweet things to me, so I think that fair enough. As long as they sounds right then I don't mind. Nice or bad are just the structure, right? and it's not like I'm a literature major or something. There are some people who really just aren't good with words but if you look into their eyes, you will know.
and so the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me is
when one weren't in a good term relationship with the other anymore (and last time they checked the other can only being a bitch the whole time their together) but still can manage to say how grateful that they've met.
you're so nice of a person I don't think I deserve


HOME IS ALL I could think the time I hear the word Christmas. When the right time to set the tree? is living room still the best position to put them? What's great for Christmas eve dinner? are presents necessary? 
My december will always revolve around home and eventually family. I know for a fact that this Christmas will be another Christmas without my dad and grandma. The third for my dad and second for the latter (geez ayrine, counting much?) 
My december will always revolve around home, family, and eventually a sad heart twist. Because there aren't too delicious cakes can replace a particular heartwarming chuckle, or some classy christmas jingles can replace an exchange smiles and sharing laughter. I'd like to talk the sadness away with my mom or my brother but its pretty embarrassing to admit that I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone without shed some tears. 
So I choose to write it instead. That's all I'm better at.
What you'll be doing this Christmas? fireworks party? family Reunion? long walk at the bridge with your lover? or just stay at home enjoy some pretzels and tv shows?
I'll just spend my time, missing. 
like, lot of times.

the weather is so hot I can see the sunlight ripped
through the thick windows. I miss the rain.

I hate you like I hate the word selfie and the font comic sans.


gather all the words, confuse people.

you have to find the right distance between people.
too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you.
- Hanif Kureishi


I miss you so much I could kill a giant black furry bear just by staring at it.
But because there are no big black furry bears around, I'm off to bed
and try to kiss you in my sleep instead.
- Wasted Rita


all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out one by one.
look at the wonderful mess that we made, we pick ourselves undone.
- flaws by Bastille

I don't know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.
- John Green


I never imagined you would settle with someone so ordinary
when I thought you were extraordinary. But that was probably
the typical thought for someone in love.

You know the feeling when you put an earphone before set
the volume and the song start too loud and sharp into your ear your eyes
closed in a brief moment. But still listening anyway. that’s exactly
what I feel for you. You're so annoying it cut my ear,
but I'm still stay beside you anyway

keywords: opposite, people, miss, flaws, and you

Current Mood

it’s been raining all day long and the air become kind of sappy. I’ve been doing my task this whole day and need to take a break to write some paragraph I don’t know, for relax a bit maybe? I’ve read so many different stories this weeks and there are some passages here and there in my system that keep pop up suddenly and make me want to read the story again.
     Did you ever been in this kind of situation? When there are some part of the story you have read come and come again to your mind, you can’t help but to read the story all over again.
I just hope I got all time in the world.
Here are some facts about my week:
First, I drew a little bruise on my right knees when I accidentally fell off the stair by my campus cafeteria. The hurt of it was nothing compare to the humiliated laugh my friends gave. They’re pure evil. Ugh. I keep thinking what the hell happen to me recently. I got fall and or drop things from my hold an awful lot. My phone, mouse and tv remote are some of the silent victims.
Second, I just got a fail haircut in addition to the hellness of the week. I’m an instant haircut taker just so you know. I wake up from my nap, finger combing my hair in front of the mirror, and just go with ‘hey I think I need a new haircut’ and do it immediately. Mostly lead me to what-have-I-done- result but do it again months or year later. My brain is malfunctioning now I know.
Third, all. ALL my task for ALL this semester subjects are deadline within these six days.
Fourth, I can’t stop bitting my fingertips
Fifth, I got new strings attached for my guitar and really hate the lack of the tightness and the need to standard E tuning them all over again.
Sixth, um where the fun part where the fun part?
Sucks. There isn’t any fun part this week.
I gotta go. Stay at home guys, stay safe.

Astronaut got the best view

Have you watched the movie Gravity? what do you think about it? I have this crush on space and anything related with galaxy and outer universe so, I could say that I love this movie. I was pretty much drunk by the sight of the black area with stars and the round edge of blue-green earth as a background.
     it was beautiful.
The plot is pretty simple. In fact there are only two living cast for the whole movie, angling the character Ryan Stone with technically her partner, Matt, floating around without gravity trying to survive themselves through the spacewalk incident. Going trough what they called 'blind' to go back to the earth.
well, this got me thinking that earth is kinda easy.
at least we got o2 enough for thinking.


IT'S RAINING outside and the air is chill when I stepped out of my doorway. I just can't sleep without the AC on no matter how cold the night is. Close to the regular tendency of people who needs the light off when they sleep. I'm stuck with familiarity and even if there are somethings that drew me bore, there are also some of the things I need them to stay just the same. They stay the same and it already enough for me. More than enough. I hate to say that I was feeling this whole habit with someone. a person. I mean how bad is that, to settled your feeling for the thing with the highest possibilities to change. People changed and never stay the same, right? so it's pretty wrong to believe someone will stay with you until the very end. It doesn't matter how much time you spent together or how many things you got in common.
it never mattered.


NOW. The old fan I use to cooling my laptop started to get too noisy I had to turn it off. This machine will be real hot in an hour or so and I need to write this quicker.
I have just watched cnblue zepp tour live concert video and it left me with so many feels. By the way, I came to their concert at Jakarta last week and write a little note about it here
     yesterday, saturday. I've had a bad throat condition.
I've met a view new people and one of them are the really irritating type of person.
I know I will get myself into trouble when I decided to be the responsible one. know that I will regret it later, but still do it though. stupid me.
     two days before, I've missed someone and wished if only things didn't go this way. This whole new situation. I hate it.
     thursday. day off! borrowed some books
back to now. I'm starting to bore over this layout, and thought I need a change. Me and my changing layout sickness (some of you may already know)
But I need to take a shower and do some stupid tasks first.
     see you later.

An Angle

I’d prefer to have someone wait for me in the rain rather than someone constantly bring flower and spilled -I love yous. Someone simply hold and be there rather than someone ask too many questions. Comfortable silents and low whisper of names. Someone write songs about rainbows and butterflies rather than possess song with -i’d die if you’re not mine, in every sentences.

Mother, have you seen your laughter
Fall into the arms of angels
Mother if you see me I’m alright.
Range of clouds on sunny weather rise onto
the breeze of meadow.
Mother did you help God paint the sky?
There aren’t that three letter words yet I feel the romantics of it. Fond and light and warm are all I feel while swallow every bit of this new album from Adhitia Sofyan, ‘How to stop time’. I love the way the lyrics speak in an almost subtle way about love itself.
I always hope I can have it in me, the ability to write such simple and honest words and compose them into beautiful melodies. God. I adore those people.
or at least to find such simple person to be together with.
people are so complicated these days.

Midnight Stuff

What would you like for passing the night? mine are good stories and good music and ehm good snack. Thank Adhitia Sofyan for good music and cup noodles for good snack. I've been feeling down lately until I got the other bereavement news and realize how simple matter I've been coping with. There're much more worst cases out there it make me thanking God for what I am now.
Still, life is so sad recently.


IT'S ALREADY a second week of new semester and it flew fine. Although I've been in a silent mode with my brother so there are no -please-pick-me-up-at-station text anymore. I ended up with the public rides and all the walking to home, not to mention a full 6 in 7 schedule. I'm feeling so tired it aching my ankle and shins. Stupid brother.
I'm in a whiny bitch condition now, so it's better to just end this post here.

PS. need to play guitar to get it off and I think this song is pretty nice.

A Need

     TO BE MORE reflect from happy quote than the sad oneThe sad one are like 'I can't stop running from myself' 'I hate world and people make me sick' or ' I'm scared' or the other dreadful one. I was always those kind of people. Like, I remember every sentence in song lyric which make me sad rather than words that make me happy. I'm enjoying myself being down in regret and feeling wrong. I can say I enjoy being sad. It always bizarre the things out of me to read encouraging words about self-respect and happy world. like 'you are beautiful' 'you can move on with your life' 'don't let sadness tear you down' 'everyone is gifted some open it sooner' and so on. They like a fake colourful lollypop I won't taste a bit, because they really as plain as they suppose.
     I don't mind being alone and I hate unicorn.
     but the unicorn still came, though.
Recently, I find myself started to realize that being deep and all irony didn't make me better than anyone at any level. it didn't make me right and they're wrong. I'm not understanding life better just because I'm a realist. I've known and friends with people who really are happy with less complicated mind. They act and write just like the way they speak, cry while watching romantic movie and always got my back despite how many times I shut them down. They slowly make me think that happy and simple and nice people are really exist. It unconsciously force me to begin see life from their perspective and it surprise me enough not to gross out from the sweets, but actually like it.
     I'm not coming with conclusion even more a change. not yet.
     I still can't love unicorn but I think I'm less hating it now.

All things white and closed.

     Sometimes we just didn't get the right time to understand things around us. We can fascinated by something, completely driven nuts by universe but forget it all the day after. We falling in love today but back at being strangers tomorrow. We've captivating by the sunshine before forget it when night came. We laugh and happy and goofy this night but cry and sad and all clever at day. And it leaves us in the damn circle we can't run from.
     I had a pretty bad dream last night, if you ever ask why I came up with such a sad paragraph to beginning this post. And the melody is just lovely.
     So my short holiday will officially ended by the morning of monday this 23rd september. I've got new class schedule but the same hectic one. I already can see myself in the overcrowded train every morning schedule,
but hey, things can't get any worst.
    ugh. no.


Although I've already post this here, I want to write more about it. So, this short movie is about a sudden meteor attack that turning this boy's normal life into an odd one. You need to watch it first:

this make me thinking about my life. I sometimes can't go on a day without some strange thought in my head. I walk in my campus hallway on a rainy day and suddenly think what if this drop are actually a mirror crystal? I can imagine myself standing under that pouring rain (crystal mirror in this case) and got scratch all over my skin, bleeding everywhere. I usually imagining about an accident while I'm on the train. Like, if the rail brake or something. Copying what happen in Final destination 3, how cool is that to get a chance to experience one? I know how sick it sounded. but I guess I'm just curious about how all this things would work if it didn't work the way it suppose. Like, what if we normally walk backward not forward? wake up at 23:00 PM work and play at night, dinner at dawn and sleep in the morning.
So, when I stumble across this video, it almost appear like a song in my head,
life should be more interesting, odd, surreal, break the bubble and I don't know, not boring?
silly me, I know.

Being icy

I've been all mean just to shoo you away, but apparently it didn't work out? I'm started to think that maybe -just maybe, you are that amazing.

Sweet and memories

I remember this particular brand of chocolate was the first and last chocolate from my father. Received it times ago back when I was a child. Even if I bought for myself today, it still achingly heartwarming. Bring back the exact excited old feel of mine.
So, today is the great day.
Like, the greatest of all.
I finished final exam without any burden, went home by train, falling asleep in the middle of trip and woke up just in time it reach my destination. I ate pretty delicious food for late lunch, bought a chocolate for dessert. I've already finish all tasks for this compact semester which means I get to do that lazily-laying-on-bed-and-reading-a-novel thing. Quickly surfed internet just to watch this new release video I've been waiting for a while before took a bath and went out. Now here I am in the mood for journaling my pretty perfect day. uhm, actually I got home a little late for dinner and all the foods are already in the refrigerator. Since I really hate cold food (even when it already heated) I'm starving by the time I write this.. still a great day though.

What if

I've been trying to lucid dreaming recently but didn't success, yet. I think it's because part of me are excited if I can control my dream, but the other part aren't agree. Dreams are should be vivid like it suppose to be. That's the beauty of it. When it really apart from reality, from my consciousness.
And there's this little silly thought of mine, what if someone's dream is too lucid they can't actually pile it from reality. like, both of worlds are real because we are 'awake' in it.
It will be scary.


hello! it's holiday season here, and I'm writing this from a porch where all you can see are the potted plant. It's August again! my father month. I just wanted to say Happy birthday in advance for him trough this post. (and trough a prayer too, maybe tonight) actually I kinda feel nothing special about birthday, specially mine. I'm finding it not so important whatsoever. I don't know why. Remembering about it is the most thing I can do about my birthday. For me, a birthday present isn't that special. A present for nothing is way more special. like, when someone give you a gift on the one ordinary day for no reason.

Back to August. I tune my father songs every year on his birthday. I made playlist content his favorite songs which he always told me to play the moment he saw me turn on my computer. We have this kind of habit to sharing thoughts, what we read on books, latest newspaper issues, people and music. Including the singer, lyric, and all. We share like, everything science and art. He really is someone I can talk to. The only someone. So I can say I feel really at lost months after he was gone. Big time. It almost two years but still make me blue (a bit quoting Ray Charles)

so, there's this list:
Ray Charles - I can't stop loving you
Jimmy Cliff - I can see clearly now
Luther Vandross - dance with my father
John Lennon - mother
Louis Armstrong - wonderful world
Elvis Presley - love me tender
Tom Jones - without love there is nothing

those are seriously songs that my father was begin to hear, weeks before he was gone. Songs mostly about memories of your parents, about losing someone you love and you just can't go on with life. It was just coincidence or he wants to be rememberd sadly beautiful or what? I just keep wondering. But you gave the wonderful part too dad, so they flow well I think. And yes. I do missing you. really, what are you doing now? Mom and your son aren't very dependable. I've got stories to tell.

Happy birthday in advance, Dad
Love you.

How life in 10 years later?

how my life in 10 years later? when I'm umm about thirty years old. did I success to reach my dream? (as if I have one) or married to the so-called love of my life? or maybe still single? Am I living the peaceful life or the hectic one? or maybe, am I living until thirty or got a killed accident by my twenty-nine? Am I ever forgive myself for certain mistake I did in my past? Am I living a regretful live as I just siting by window wondering what I was and wasn't supposed to do? Am I still live in my old childhood house or got myself an apartment far away from hometown, or maybe a loft and three roommates just like Jessica day? Am I still here in my country or not? Who will be there with me until the end? are they my close families? or some of my good friends? or maybe someone who I haven't met yet?
Maybe tomorrow or two days from now, on my way to the bookstore I will bump into a stranger that actually fate with me? just like girls in novel do.
or maybe I choose to suicide at my late twenties because of some bold reason? or just because I'm feeling so dumb? Am I a good architect? like my collegy head always wanted to? Have I seen some of my dream concert? Am I still this healthy? (if you weren't count some of dirty habits as an unhealthy things) Are some of my favorite musician and book author finally met his dye date? or are they still do music? Am I still in my believe? or finally bunch of feeling-right idealism got into me? or maybe I become an atheist just because life is simply too bitter and I turning into a cold heart?
a bit of that and this questions.
still need to living now so I can check or uncheck future things.
but really what can I do?
I'm not the type of 'living at the moment' person

Late for morning class

did you ever had a sleep full of different dreams?
I just did and every time it happens, I woke up late. heavy head and hardly open my eyes, with some visual stuck in my head. that how that kind of dreams work to me. So here I am, trying to find an excuse for my absent.
That was one evening, when I'm in the middle of a worship with some people I don't even know, in my house. sudden think, I need shoes. so I left the group and walking around the complex to find a place to buy shoes. but at last I just stand in front of my house, bring some snack in a plastic bag arguing if I could come in bringing food or not. From other direction, a girl with her whole family, came into me, she just look at my face, but I can hear her voice
'what are you doing? you can come into your house, but, me? can I come in to your house?' I can't remember her face, but she wear red blouse with patterned scarf around her neck, browned skin.
I said yes we can.
so we come in together to the people who still doing their worship. we sit separately.
after that, two or three people from my chair, my uncle show up, smile and pointed to his foot, there were three boxes of shoes.
'they all yours' he said. excitedly nodded.
I was sat on the train, enjoying the great view outside, when suddenly, two seats from mine, my friends showed up. she smile and waving, I reply by calling her name 'movi!' a real name. a highschool friend of mine. but she was actually the curly mita, my close friend at grade 5 primary school. but I just called her with a different name out of the blue.
I think I got two or three other dreams, but seems like I can only recall those two.
this was the most random things I ever posted. haha. but i like it. is like we were the main cast of a movie. the movie or i can say the world where everything is make sense. even the most peculiar one. something like that.
are you a person who have the ability to read the meaning behind dreams?
tell me.

Currently love : banana milk

I rarely write these days. a good friend told that maybe because I'm too happy, he also add ''whats wrong with you and the depressive writing?'' I was like, well he got it right. is not like I'm that happy. I just found myself moving forward. I realize that there are view things I must left in my life. the huge one is the bereavement. The bitter point of my life which really drowning me deep. the death and untold stories. When my dad gone, he left me clueless and hurt. That was the first time to me facing coffin with someone close to me inside not to mention the first time being a stupid swollen face main cast at the funeral.
through all the tears some disease come along with it. the disease when my heart stop to beat at couple seconds every time I hear words like, hospital, corps, some particular serious illness that has to do with blood and dad. The disease when the noise from ambulance was freaking me out.
not even have time to healing, my grandmother follow along the path. she died after 6 days coma. I can't even imagining how those horrible 6 days passed away. Memories that I really mean to erase it now. How I wish I could just forget it. get myself together.
I may be hurt. but I know my grand was the one who hurt the most. a day before she go, i hardly put gut in my mouth to whisper to her ear told her about love and how to letting go.
God. see?
I just started again.
well, okay.
talking about moving on. I once read the heroine detective series and my favorite chapter was when she got a case about the missing portrait at the gallery. The portrait of a girl wear a wedding dress. the portrait was paint by the father in order to fulfill his one and only beloved daughter last wish. She had suffered a serious illness for a long time and at the exact afternoon she ask her dad to paint her in a wedding gown. Her dad is well-known painter at the region. She died month after that.
One day a man who owned the famous gallery at the town came into the painter ask his permission to display his daughter portrait at the upcoming exhibition. He refused with the reason he painted that one without any intention to collect money from it. After a little debate he finally allow the man with promise will give it back right after the exhibition ended.
But after the last day arrive and when the father ask back his portrait, that gallery man told him that he can't. he already sign the contract he mistakenly read as the temporary life contract. he is trapped. the man said that the picture is now officially belong to the gallery. it broke the father's heart.
feeling hurt and betrayed. he plan a revenge. a quite tricky plan I can say. couple months after that he 'stole' the portrait at the day of the exhibition to humiliate the owner in front of many visitors. The portrait 'missing'. the picture of it replace by the plain white area while the frame still hanging at the right place.
The staff panicking as they hurriedly call police and the detective.
Long story short.
spica, the heroine detective, finally found the answer of the case. The portrait isn't lost. it actually just seal by thick plain paper just the right size to cover the whole picture. it can easily role by tying a nylon string at the bottom of the paper to the film roll machine.
When the father found out that he already caught. he recklessly decided to burn down the gallery and the picture along with him as his final plan when he ever caught up. Spica hurriedly approach the room when the fire started to licking fast.
He told her his reason why he doing all this. he just didn't want the greedy man got what he wants. using him and his deceased daughter as the money tools. so he decided if he can't get it back nobody can.
Spica hold him as she speech as loud as she can
'is this what you thought your daughter wish? to give you only twenty year of her life? what do you think she would say when see you being like this?'
'isn't that the memories? despite of the paint or any other things. isn't that memories are more important? the precious things you always have with you that actually you will burn now?
and he decided to stop

Long posting short,
the spica's speech always got a place in my heart. Memories do last forever. of course my dad and grandma never willing to give me only twenty years to be happy and then living in a sorrow for the rest of my life. So I decided to move on. One thing, if I ever sad again I know the memories will warm my heart. equal to a hug from my father or a laugh from my grandma.
just need to close my eyes.
and remembering.